Justice and Due Process

If Santa Were Real, He’d Be Facing Arrest

This year, Santa Claus could be looking at years in jail and tons of fines for his actions on the night of December 25th, 2021.

Santa Claus — often referred to by his allies as Saint Nick — avoided authorities on his annual massive midnight crime spree, according to Government Officials. Mr. Claus has been successful in escaping the authorities partially due to his many fake identities. He has been found with passports for Father Christmas, Kris Kringle, and Papa Noël. 

After pulling the Santa hat over officials’ eyes for decades, Mr. Claus is close to apprehension. At time of writing, federal agents have taken control of Santa’s compound, in the North Pole, with the hopes of arresting this lifelong criminal.

When asked why this beloved individual is being arrested, agents began citing a plethora of violated laws. 

Mr. Claus is facing charges of flying a vehicle without an airman’s certificate, operating a non-airworthy aircraft, illegally importing contraband, letting animals graze on federal land, trespassing, hundreds of patent and trademark violations, illegally entering the United States, and many more. 

Specifically, U.S. Code Title 19 Section 1590 was violated by Mr. Claus. This section of the United States Code discusses aviation smuggling. When the notorious Mr. Claus entered U.S. airspace with his sleigh full of toys, he violated this code. 

When asked if bringing toys is really going to cause harm, Special Agent Ebenezer Scrooge quickly corrected the question. “Harmful contraband, not toys,” he sharply retorted. 

Smuggling “harmful contraband” could tack on additional years to the sentence awaiting Mr. Claus.

When agents secured Mr. Claus’s compound, they seized and subsequently searched Santa’s sleigh, without a warrant. “This unidentified aircraft,” as referred to by Special Agent Grinch, was unregistered and deemed a no-air-worth aircraft. This violated U.S. Code Title 49 Section 46316

Mr. Claus also violated section 46317 in the same piece of code. This section requires one to obtain a pilot’s certificate to operate a flying aircraft. By piloting his sled, Mr. Claus operated an aircraft without the required occupational license to do so. 

As details of this story are being leaked to the press, supporters of Mr. Claus have become more enraged over the allegations. 

An oddly-clothed Santa supporter, calling himself Buddy the Elf, expressed that “many of these laws seem unreasonable. I didn’t know half these things were illegal,” he said. “I definitely don’t think that they should be. The government is burying him in red tape.”

If many of Mr. Claus’ charges seem preposterous, it’s because they are. 

For example, it is almost unbelievable that Santa is facing time in federal prison for accidentally letting his reindeer land for a quick snack on federal land. These hungry but respectful reindeer only ate tiny pieces of grass.

Santa is also receiving outrageous scrutiny from the IRS. The IRS is claiming that Mr. Claus did not report the cookies he takes at each home he visits on his taxes. They are claiming that this is income as Mr. Claus uses the cookie he does not eat to pay his elves. When caught, Mr. Claus will be forced to pay back these cookies with interest. 

As the feds close in on Mr. Claus and he faces decades of jail time, it looks safe to assume that Christmas won’t be coming next year. Like in many other facets of life, government regulation has snuffed out lighthearted do-gooders who are bettering their communities.

For Christmas to be restored and for the wishes of millions of children to come true, we must first grant Santa’s only wish this year — less government regulation and more personal liberty.